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I promised her that I would outlive her, because she knew long ago that she couldn't bear it if she lost me. I thought I could handle it better. I was wrong. I don't regret not making her go through what I'm feeling.
I do regret that she had to suffer. I regret she had to go in a hospital, surrounded by strangers. I was in the room, but several feet away, because they were trying to save her life, and the best thing I could do was stay out of it, not interfere, and stare in horror as they pushed her into the bed, over and over.
The sadness comes in waves. My daughter pointed this out, and I had to agree. I can be fine for a while, and some stupid thing sets me off. Like seeing the lidded tumbler that she used for a waterglass for the last month, so she could reach it in bed and not spill it.
I put on one of her old, pitted rings this morning, and then without thinking, I went out back to put the seat of the van back in -- I'd removed it a couple of weeks ago in case I had to get her to a doctor's appointment in her brand-new wheelchair. But I forgot to remove the ring, and now it's lost.
My brain used to play tricks on me with sound. I'd hear her calling my name, when she'd done no such thing. I figured this would continue. So far, it hasn't.
The light by her chair came unplugged last night. It used to do that all the time, because the plug was loose in the extension. Thing is, I didn't notice until this morning. I had to get it turned back on. Then I had to re-set her clock, which is on the same cord, even though the only reason that clock was over there was so that she could see what time it was. She couldn't see well since she fell on April 10.
We had installed two toilet seat risers, and a safety frame, so she could get up by herself. I took them down, and now it seems way too low.
I'm forgetting to take my meds, because I was timing them from having to prepare hers.
I alternate between wanting everything gone, and wanting nothing to change.
When does this get easier?
I do regret that she had to suffer. I regret she had to go in a hospital, surrounded by strangers. I was in the room, but several feet away, because they were trying to save her life, and the best thing I could do was stay out of it, not interfere, and stare in horror as they pushed her into the bed, over and over.
The sadness comes in waves. My daughter pointed this out, and I had to agree. I can be fine for a while, and some stupid thing sets me off. Like seeing the lidded tumbler that she used for a waterglass for the last month, so she could reach it in bed and not spill it.
I put on one of her old, pitted rings this morning, and then without thinking, I went out back to put the seat of the van back in -- I'd removed it a couple of weeks ago in case I had to get her to a doctor's appointment in her brand-new wheelchair. But I forgot to remove the ring, and now it's lost.
My brain used to play tricks on me with sound. I'd hear her calling my name, when she'd done no such thing. I figured this would continue. So far, it hasn't.
The light by her chair came unplugged last night. It used to do that all the time, because the plug was loose in the extension. Thing is, I didn't notice until this morning. I had to get it turned back on. Then I had to re-set her clock, which is on the same cord, even though the only reason that clock was over there was so that she could see what time it was. She couldn't see well since she fell on April 10.
We had installed two toilet seat risers, and a safety frame, so she could get up by herself. I took them down, and now it seems way too low.
I'm forgetting to take my meds, because I was timing them from having to prepare hers.
I alternate between wanting everything gone, and wanting nothing to change.
When does this get easier?
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